In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
