Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
