we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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