i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize