just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
