Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
