ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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