the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
