I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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