I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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