We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
porn star boner night. come get it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize