that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
