12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
