Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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