I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
