I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
