They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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