I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize