Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
