She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
