He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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