I molested 6 butterflies tonight
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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