I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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