can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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