wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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