You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
