Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
