Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
