Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need to sanitize my soul.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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