I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
