also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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