Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
