I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
