the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
