Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
