She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
