There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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