Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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