dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
