There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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