You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
