how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
