Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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