Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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