"it" just moved
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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