remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
