he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
