I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
