I hate your face
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
