Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
