my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
