I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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