What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
