everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
