For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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