Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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