You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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