im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
