I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
