Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
