i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
