So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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